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Latest from the Blog

a comfy chair with plants - Should I See a Therapist After My Pregnancy Loss?

Ask the Motherhood Therapist: Should I See a Therapist after my Pregnancy Loss?

Pregnant woman holding belly - what I want you to know about pregnancy after loss

What I Want You to Know about Pregnancy After Loss

Heartache - "I will not hide my grief, as I did not hide my love."

The Heartaches of Motherhood: I will not hide my grief, as I did not hide my love

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Hard Parts of Motherhood
Heartaches of Motherhood
Expecting After the Heartaches of Motherhood

The Motherhood Therapist

Your motherhood story matters.

The other night, after the children were asleep, I

The other night, after the children were asleep, I shut the bathroom door and leaned my back against its solid wood after a long day that seemed like a year of parenting.

There had been meltdowns and screaming matches and not just between siblings. There had been whining and crying and not just by the children. There were toys strewn across the living room, first grade homework assignments piled high on the dining room table, and pieces of artwork plastered on windows with sticky preschooler’s handprints, smearing our view to the outside.

Looking forward to a break from the crazy of parenting a four- and six-year-old, I retreated to the only spa I had access to, my tub. I pulled back the shower curtain to run a bath and reached to turn on the faucet when, to my annoyance, I saw my four-year-old son’s lego Avengers littering the basin of the bath. Stomping my foot, I let out a deep and angry growl, similar to how a toddler might throw a tantrum, mine was just the mom version. I held back tears of frustration at having to do one more parenting task of picking up another pile of toys before I could get to my only enjoyable adult-only activity for the day.

Bending to my knees, I reached over the tub’s edge to save Captain America and his shield from his almost fate of being flushed down the drain, and I shook off Spider Man and Iron Man who were still sopping wet as their lego dents held standing water from the afternoon soak they took with my son earlier that day. I placed them on the edge of the tub to dry, ran my steaming bath, and finally stepped over the Avengers standing guard on the bath’s railing and into the bubbly lavender smelling water. My body sank beneath the suds, and I closed my eyes. I wished I could drift away to a place and time where life was easier as I was tired of being everyone's everything.

Moms don’t get rest. We're told to enjoy the little things while our littles are little. But we are exhausted by the needs that come with tiny humans. Moms don’t get a break. We’re told this will be the best time in your life, but time seems like a strange illusion, almost a cruel magic trick, when parenting young children. [Continued in comments]

It’s normal to want to compare our motherhood st

It’s normal to want to compare our motherhood stories. But here is the thing…..

Each mom comes with her own strengths.

Each mom comes with her own struggles.

We don’t see all of these pieces that make up the puzzle.

We often only see what the other mom wants us to see.

And none of us moms want others to see our weaknesses.

We don’t blast them on social media.

Because we want to put our best foot forward.

We want to be seen as a good mom.

But here is a secret….

You are a good enough mother!

You are the mother your kiddos needs.

With all your scars and successes.

So when you want to compare to another mom who is rocking her moming...

Just remind yourself that you don’t know the whole picture AND….

You have your strengths and she has hers.

Just like you have your own struggles that you don’t want others to see.

She has hers, too.
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#motherhoodtherapist #thisismotherhood #momlife #hardpartsofmotherhood #supportmoms #motherhood #momsupportingmoms #parentingishard #parenting #momlifestruggles #comparisontrap

For those in the back: There are no stages of gri

For those in the back:

There are no stages of grief.

Grief is not linear.

You don’t get over or get through grief.

Grief is life long.

Society likes to think that grief is like a staircase with a destination to reach.

Grievers know that grieving is like swimming in all the emotions of grief at once ( 👉 swipe to see).

It’s never, “I did it!”

It’s more of, “I’m doing it.”

Each day. All day. Until one day maybe we float on top of the waters of grief instead of feeling like we need to swim against its current to stay alive.
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#themotherhoodtherapist #griefandloss #grief #stagesofgrief #griefisnotlinear #normalizegrief #hardpartsofmotherhood #heartbreakingpartsofmotherhood #lifeafterloss #pregnancyloss #miscarriage #stillbirth #TFMR #infantloss #childloss #babyloss #bereavedmother #bereavedparents #lossmom

“Congrats on your pregnancy!” is all we need t

“Congrats on your pregnancy!” is all we need to say to Meghan Markle.

We in the loss community don’t get to define her loss for her.

Meghan told us she had a miscarriage.

She’s now telling us she’s pregnant with her second child.

Her announcement of having a second child is her decision on how she views her family.

This does not mean her way has to be your way.

How you view your family is how you view your family.

I have three children. One dead and two alive. I include Nora’s name in holiday cards and family photos because it’s what works for our family. It’s how I want to tell MY story. I would never suggest another loss family has to do the same as me, because it’s not my story to tell. It’s their story to tell, like it’s Meghan’s story to tell.

Let’s let Meghan share her story the way she wants to share it. If she calls her third pregnancy her second child, it doesn’t negate her pain. It’s just how she holds it. Let’s let her hold it how she wants, because that’s what we all want as loss parents.

And remember those memes going around when Meghan and Chrissy lost their babies? They went something like, “Meghan won’t read your mean post about her pregnancy loss, but your friend that lost a pregnancy will.” Let’s take our own advice, “Because Megan won’t read your judgmental post on how she views her family, but your friends who chose to honor their losses silently and differently than you will.”

Let’s just all remember to treat others the way they tell us they want to be treated.
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#themotherhoodtherapist #pregnancyafterloss #rainbowbaby #meghanmarkle #pregnancyloss #miscarriage #rememberourbabies #bereavedmother #lossmom #babyloss #pregnancyaftermiscarriage #babylosscommunity

Do you talk to your baby? Feel like you get messa

Do you talk to your baby?

Feel like you get messages from them through a symbol?

Do you write them letters?

Maybe you think about them all the time?

FYI - YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!

THIS IS NORMAL.

And there is even a name for it - Continuing Bonds Theory.

In 1996 grief researchers suggested a paradigm shift from the “get over grief” narrative, and instead, moving towards a model that normalizes the bereaved’s need to continue their relationship and bond with their loved one that died.

You see, remaining connected can bring the bereaved mother comfort, because grief, like love, is ongoing. It doesn’t die when your baby does. A mother’s love lives on forever. And continuing a bond with your baby is not only normal, but it can maybe help you through your grief.

So continue your bond with your baby that died, because sadly babies can and do die, but a mother’s love, never. A mother’s love lives on. Always!
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#themotherhoodtherapist #hardpartsofmotherhood #heartbreakingpartsofmotherhood #pregnancyloss #infantloss #childloss #griefandloss #stillbirth #miscarriage #TFMR #SIDS #lifeafterloss #continuingbonds #hopeafterloss #pregnancyafterloss #ttcafterloss

Pregnancy after loss is often misunderstood. You

Pregnancy after loss is often misunderstood.

Your friends and family might think you are “fixed” once you get pregnant again after losing a baby, but that’s often far from the case.

Most of the time, once a loss mom gets a positive pregnancy test a rush of new and difficult emotions emerge as the loss mom now learns how to hold onto hope among immense fear during her next pregnancy.

That’s why today we are going to debunk the top 5 myths about pregnancy after loss by checking the facts!

Here is goes (👉 swipe to see the myths & facts and how to cope):

Myth 1: Pregnancy loss happens to other people.

Fact: In the U.S. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and 1 in 160 pregnancies end if stillbirth.

Myth 2: There is a "safe zone" in pregnancy.

Fact: In the U.S. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and 1 in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth. These numbers do not include infant death from preterm labor, diagnosis of life-limiting conditions, or SIDS.

Myth 3: When you become pregnant again after a loss, it gets easier.

Fact: After a pregnancy loss or infant death, many will experience grief, confusion, anxiety, guilt and fear of loss in a subsequent pregnancy, and a new pregnancy after a loss can activate a new layer of grief.

Myth 4: Only moms are affected by pregnancy loss and experience stress during the pregnancy after loss.

Fact: Studies show that fathers are also affected by the emotional stress of a subsequent pregnancy.

Myth 5: A loss mom will be happy once she brings home a baby.

Fact: Women who are pregnant again after a loss are at an increased risk for postpartum anxiety and depression as well as having a difficult time of bonding with the baby born after loss even after having a subsequent successful pregnancy and birth.

👉 Swipe through to see 5 ways to cope with a pregnancy after loss.
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#themotherhoodtherapist #hardpartsofmotherhood #heartbreakingpartsofmotherhood #expectingafterloss #parentingafterloss #pregnancyaftermiscarriage #pregnancyafterstillbirth #pregnancyafterloss #rainbowbaby #postpartumsupport #4thtrimester #supportmoms #copingstrategies #lifeafterloss #griefandloss #hopeafterloss #hopeoverfear

Birth trauma, you could call it that. My first dau

Birth trauma, you could call it that. My first daughter was stillborn at full term in December 2012. I went into labor and delivery that night expecting to soon meet my little girl, only to be told by the doctor while sitting in front of a still and silent ultrasound that there was “No heartbeat.”

Crushed, heartbroken, devastated, and numb, I fought for my life when I delivered her. The infection that killed her could have taken my life too. It’s safe to say that birth trauma is what happened during the silent entrance of my daughter’s body into the world.

Seven months later I was pregnant again, terrified beyond what doctors and therapists would think was just normal grief. As my belly grew with my daughter inside, getting closer and closer to her due date, I would panic almost daily. At night I would wake up in sweats as nightmares of not being able to feel her move would haunt me. Then I would spend an hour at 3 AM making sure she would move, making sure she was alive, because there were days when my anxiety convinced me that she had died too. I would mentally prepare myself to go to yet another ultrasound appointment and hear those dreaded words, “I’m sorry. There is no heartbeat.”

While pregnant after the death of my first daughter, it was almost impossible to get through my job each day. I worried that she might have stopped moving or that she died while I was engrossed in a work task. The fear engulfed me. I frequently needed to step out of meetings to splash water on my face and poke at my baby to count her kicks and make sure she was still there, still moving, still alive. I took extra “sick” days just to manage my anxiety, to try to relax at home and take it easy, which proved challenging.

Then on the days that I would make it through work, I would come home in the evening and break down into tears of fear as I lay sobbing on my bed. My husband held me as I cried, crying with me, and I would scream between my wails, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this anymore!”

Being pregnant again after a loss is like living inside your trauma, which, unfortunately, is your own body that you cannot escape from for nine months. [Continued in comments]

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